


Five

by lowkeyamen



Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Crying, Fluff, I'm Sorry, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Polyamory, Sad Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-22 00:37:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12469584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowkeyamen/pseuds/lowkeyamen
Summary: It's just the five of them left and Jiho isn't quite sure how he's going to cope





	Five

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rikkaboshi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikkaboshi/gifts).



> THIS. KILLED. ME.  
> RE READING IT KILLED ME AND I FUCKING WROTE IT  
> OHHHHH MYYYYY GODDDDDD
> 
> I love these boys more than anything in the world and its absolutely heartbreaking that they've had to go through so much because they're a real family and I hate that they've been ripped apart and ugh  
> happy 4 year anniversary toppdogg, you deserve the absolte world and i'm so sorry we haven't been able to give it to you as of yet but i'm hoping and praying that the future holds so much more for the remaining 5 members  
> I love ALL of you with all of my heart  
> xoxo kenzo
> 
> ps @ everyone reading this pls cry with me

Jiho wasn't okay. How could he be? Everything was official now. It was just the five of them left.

He knew it would happen, of course he did, it was something he had spoken about over and over with the past members. With his past loves.

Jiho had always had a big heart, which was why there was more than enough room for twelve boys in his life. He couldn't fully explain it, but he loved them all. Not just in a friendly way, he was  _in_  love with them all.

His members were everything to him. His best friends, his lovers, his support system, and he would have done anything to keep them happy. But sometimes that meant letting them go.

He had watched eight of the loves of his life leave. First was Hyunho. That one had really stung. Their group hadn't even been together a year when he called it quits without even talking to any of them about it. The announcement came out of nowhere and hit him like a freight train.

He remembered running out of the office as soon as the words left their managers mouth. Running all the way home, tears obscuring his vision as he pushed through the crowds of people because maybe this wasn't real and he'd open the door to find Hyunho sprawled out on the sofa in nothing but his boxers like always. He could just curl up with the elder, head rested on his broad chest as fingers carded through his hair until he drifted off.

But there was no one there. A deafening silence overtook him, suffocated him, almost. This place wasn't meant to be quiet. Thirteen boys lived here. Thirteen boys that didn't understand the concept of a quiet night in.

But now there was just the twelve of them.

He pushed the door of Hyunho's room open, the one he shared with Sehyuk, choking back a sob as he realised one side of the room was bare. He was really gone. He had taken all of his stuff with him, and he was gone.

He couldn't hold back any more. His body shuddered as he broke down, curling up on Hyunho's bed, pillow clutched tightly to his chest. It still smelled like him. Like that musky cologne he always wore and Jiho hated because it made him sneeze.

But now it was all he had left of him. That fucking awful smell.

He didn't know how long he had sat there, sobs dissipating into silent tears rolling down sharp cheekbones. His back hurt from sitting hunched over, curled around the pillow, but he couldn't bring himself to move. He barely even registered the rest of the group coming back until the door clicked open, Sehyuk's head popping around the corner.

"Hey."

Sehyuk sighed as Jiho didn't respond, sitting down next to the younger, fingers stroking through dark hair as he tried to get his attention. He smiled softly as Jiho leaned into the touch, that had always soothed him.

"I know you miss him. We all do."

"Why would he leave, though?" Jiho's voice was small, slightly higher pitched due to his vocal chords tightening in an attempt to avoid crying again. "I-I thought we had something special."

Sehyuk's heart sunk, he knew Jiho would take this the hardest out of all of them. The younger fell for people incredibly easy, and when he fell, he fell hard. They had only debuted a year ago and Jiho had already admitted he had feelings for more than half of the members.

"Baby, he still loves you, he just-"

"You don't do this to people you love, Sehyuk." Jiho had been sat on Hyunho's bed long enough to thoroughly think things over. He was still upset, of course he was, but he was angry too. "Why couldn't he just talk to us? I told him everything. Whenever I was struggling or got another crush on one of you guys I'd tell someone because that's what you do with people you love - you communicate. You don't just up and leave behind their backs."

Sehyuk cast his eyes down. He honestly hadn't expected Jiho to see it that way. Hojoon and maybe Hyosang; yeah, but not Jiho.

Jiho may not be their youngest member, but he often acted it. He was the soft one, the one that saw the good in everybody, the one that could love an infinite amount of people unconditionally. He didn't shout or argue or get angry, so hearing the dark-haired boy talk about Hyunho like that was shocking. Maybe he didn't give Jiho enough credit, just because he was an optimist didn't mean he was stupid.

"Yeah." This time it's was Sehyuk's voice that was small. Honestly, he agreed, but being the leader he was supposed to be impartial, the peacekeeper. But honestly, he was just as pissed off as anyone. He understood that Hyunho wanted to do his own thing, but he didn't agree with the way he had done it. Especially not when they were preparing to go to America. He was worried being jetlagged on the other side of the world would make this even harder for the members to take.

Jiho finally turned his attention to Sehyuk, hearing his boyfriend sniffle softly. Of course this was affecting Sehyuk too, the two of them were really close.

"Will you sleep in here with me tonight? I'll even let you be big spoon." Jiho smirked, trying to lighten the mood. He knew how much Sehyuk loved being big spoon despite his tiny stature.

"Of course." Sehyuk wiped his eyes with the back of his hand before any tears could fall. He laughed to himself as Jiho lay down, arms still wrapped around the pillow as he shuffled to the edge of the bed, giving Sehyuk room to lie down behind him. It wasn't even that late, but he was emotionally drained and just wanted this day to be over.

Jiho sighed contentedly as Sehyuk pressed up against him, arms snaking around the youngers waist. He let his eyes flutter shut, Sehyuk's steady breathing lulling him to sleep.

Almost. He couldn't seem to switch off. He was almost scared of falling asleep.

"Sehyuk?" He broke the silence, hoping the elder hadn't drifted off yet.

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

"Scared of what, baby?"

"Of...everyone leaving. I'm scared to sleep. What if I wake up and everyone's gone and it's just me and-"

"Jiho." Sehyuk cut him off, propping himself up on one elbow, fingers cautiously brushing hair out of the youngers eyes. "You can't worry about that, we never know what the future is going to hold, and who, if anyone else, will leave. You can't stress about something you can't control. If it happens, it happens and we'll cope. Okay?"

Jiho hugged Hyunho's pillow closer to his chest. Part of him had wished Sehyuk had have just lied to him and said the twelve of them would be together forever. That nothing would ever come in between them and that he could guarantee that. He knew it was ridiculous, but that's what he wanted to hear.

"No matter what happens, we'll all always love you, Jii." Jiho stifled a whimper as Sehyuk leaned in to press a kiss to his temple. He wanted to believe that, he really did. In fact, he was fairly sure it was true, he just couldn't get those crippling thoughts of self-doubt out of his head. That Hyunho had left because he wasn't good enough for him and the rest would do the same. Some more rational part of his brain knew that wasn't true, that Hyunho's reason for leaving had nothing to do with him, that the elder still loved him. But it was difficult to listen to it when all he could think about was how badly he wanted his boyfriend back.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Jiho remembered that night all too well. He had barely slept, even after he made Sehyuk promise, it didn't seem to put his mind at ease. He had merely rolled onto his other side and watched the elder sleep, leafy shadows cast across his strong features from the year outside.

It almost felt like a lie now, now that Sehyuk was gone too. He couldn't help but wonder if Sehyuk actually meant that, if the elder still loved him despite what had happened.

He took a deep breath as he slid his key in the door. He hated coming back here now. Their apartment just seemed so...empty. It wasn't the same anymore.

However, instead of the deafening silence he had become accustomed to he was greeted with a metallic clanging.

_What the fuck?_

Their living room was full of what looked like deconstructed furniture, but metal, nothing wooden. What was going on? It's not like they needed anything new. In fact, it was the opposite, they had way too much furniture n-

"No."

Jiho could feel his heart beat in this throat as he rushed to Sehyuk and Sanggyun's room. He knew what those parts were. Why would they do this? They knew he wasn't ready.

"What are you doing?"

Byungjoo let out a hushed _'fuck'_ , jumping as Jiho spoke. He wasn't expecting the younger to be home so quickly.

"Jii, you scared me." His hand settled over his heart as he turned to face his boyfriend, the redhead was staring back at him from the doorway, eyebrows furrowed.

"What are you doing?" He repeated, this time slower, punctuating each word. What the fuck was Byungjoo playing at dismantling Sehyuk and Sanggyun's beds? They had agreed not to change anything.

"I- We, uh, decided to change things up a bit, since we're just wasting this room. I wanted to surprise you."

"Surprise me?" Jiho's jaw dropped. Well, he had definitely succeeded in that. "You mean you were going to go behind my back so I couldn't freak out?"

"No! Jii, I-" Byungjoo sighed, tossing the screwdriver he had in his hand on the floor, instead intertwining his fingers with Jiho's. "Look, we just thought that maybe it was time. Babe, it's been months."

"But...this is their room." He knew he was being ridiculous. He was twenty-three and he still had nights when he couldn't sleep unless he was sleeping in one of their beds, unless he was curled up in their blankets, just like when Hyunho had left. It wasn't even like they smelled like them anymore, the sheets had been washed numerous times since anyone but Jiho had slept in them, but it felt familiar and it helped relax him. Now what was he meant to do?

"It _was_ their room, baby." Byungjoo knew how much Jiho was struggling with this, just like he had struggled with people leaving in the past. But they couldn't just keep everything the way it was forever, they needed a change. It was the only way he would be able to move on.

Jiho cast his eyes down, taking a shaky breath in. He hated talking about any of them in the past tense.

"Come here." Byungjoo held his hands out, inviting Jiho further into the room. He knew that removing their beds wouldn't go down too well with the younger, so he had come up with a plan that would hopefully win Jiho over.

Jiho stepped forwards, tentatively. He couldn't really be mad at Byungjoo. It had been months. He was just being stupid. This was the 8th time this had happened, surely he should be used to it by now.

His eyebrows furrowed as he looked over at the corner of the room, where Sehyuk and Sanggyun's beds would have been.

"Are you opening a crack den?" Jiho quirked an eyebrow as his gaze settled on the pile of mattresses and heaped up blankets on the floor.

Byungjoo laughed softly as he looked over at the mess in the corner, at least Jiho was regaining his sense of humour.

"No, it's like...a huge bed for us all to sleep in. I mean, not all the time, I don't want to be constantly covered in bruises because of Sangwon kicking me every night, but I know how much you love when we all curl up on the sofa so..."

Jiho cocked his head, trying to put together what Byungjoo was saying. The three mattresses weren't laid out yet, but would eventually make one big mattress for them all to snuggle up together on with a shit load of blankets and pillows.

His heart fluttered.

"Oh my god, Joo this is so sweet!" Jiho threw his arms around the elder's shoulders, pressing a big, wet kiss to his boyfriend's lips as arms snaked around his waist, urging the redhead to deepen it.

"I thought you'd like it." Byungjoo beamed as he pulled back. "We can bring the other TV in here and have movie nights and stuff so we don't all have to squash up in the living room."

Jiho hugged Byungjoo even tighter at the thought, causing the smaller boy to let out a strangled groan. Jiho really didn't know his own strength sometimes.

"You're the best." Jiho pressed another kiss to Byungjoo's lips, this one more forceful, causing the two of them to fall back on the pile of mattresses and blankets. Jiho giggled as Byungjoo squirmed underneath him, whining his name.

He peppered a couple more kisses to Byungjoo's cheek, trailing back down to his lips, teeth nibbling at plush, pink skin. He pulled back, a mischievous glint in his eyes that Byungjoo had seen countless numbers of times in the past.

"Since this was your gift to me and everything, maybe we should be the ones to christen it."

 

\--

 

Jiho had come to hate nights. Specifically, being alone at night. He wouldn't say he was scared of the dark, as such, but if he was home alone he would make sure to leave as many lights on as possible, despite getting complaints from the company for their ridiculous electricity bill. Anything could happen in the dark, and he had been forced to watch enough horror movies to know what happens when you go skulking around without the lights on after hearing a bump in the night.

Night time used to be his favourite time of day. Whether he was curling up with someone, lights dimmed as they watched a movie, more popcorn ending up on the floor than in their mouths when Jiho would inevitably get bored and want to take things further than a cuddle, or whether he was out in some bar where no one would recognise him with one of his older boyfriends. He had always loved nights.

His favourite nights were with Dongsung and Hyosang, when the two of them would drag him up onto the roof despite protests of it being too cold - Dongsung would always end up draping his jacket across Jiho's shoulders anyway.

They would spend hours up there, just talking, taking in the bright lights of the city which was still very much awake, unlike most of the members, trying their hardest to find any stars in the light polluted Seoul sky.

"There's one!" Hyosang pointed directly above himself, forcing the other two boys' necks to snap back as they peered up into the night sky.

"I can't see it." Jiho squinted, scanning the plane of black above him for the tiniest pinprick of a light. He had always loved stars. When he really thought about it, how far away they were, how some of the stars you could see may have actually died long ago, it completely took his breath away. It was the thing he hated most about living in Seoul - the lack of crystal clear skies.

"That's an airplane, idiot." Dongsung scoffed, reaching around the back of Jiho to smack the brunette on the back of the head.

"It's not!" Hyosang whined, rubbing the stinging spot at the back of his skull. "It's a star. It's  _our_  star."

Jiho laughed softly as Hyosang nudged him, causing him to lean up against Dongsung. He figured that was the perfect opportunity to rest his head on the elder's broad shoulders.

"Well I've never seen a star that flashes red and green, but okay." Dongsung chuckled, taking a drag of his cigarette. Jiho smiled to himself as the subtle glow of the cinders seemed to illuminate his features.

"That's because it's special. Like I said, it's our star. So obviously it's special." Hyosang mused, taking a drag of his own cigarette before passing it to Jiho and snuggling into the younger. Maybe he should have worn something thicker than a bomber jacket.

"You're such a sap." Dongsung rolled his eyes with a fond smile as he flicked the filter of his cigarette away. His fingers were itching for another, but he wasn't sure how much longer his boyfriends would want to stay out here, so he opted for lacing them with Jiho's instead.

"I think it's cute." Jiho breathed, expelling smoke from his lungs as he nuzzled further in between the two older boys. If it wasn't so cold he could see himself nodding off up here, maybe he could suggest that sometime next summer. Sleeping under the stars, or airplanes, sounded perfect.

"You would, you're even more of a sap than Hyosang."

Jiho mumbled a small _'shut up'_ into Dongsung's shoulder as the elder laughed that laugh that managed to warm him through, despite the fact he was shivering from the cold. Or maybe it was the fact Hyosang's arms were now wrapped around his waist as the brunette tried to huddle even closer to his boyfriends that he felt warmer.

Maybe it was both. Or maybe it was the heart-warming feeling that he was madly in love with both of these boys and despite the fact they'd probably all wake up with colds, this was perfect.

 _Was_  perfect.

Those summer nights sleeping under the stars never came as both Dongsung and Hyosang decided to leave. Instead they were replaced by Jiho sitting up on that roof alone crying his eyes out into the sleeves of Dongsung's jacket, the hood of Hyosang's Rock Bottom hoodie pulled down over eyes face so no one could see what a mess he was.

That was three. Three people that had left him. Three people he was deeply in love with; gone.

Maybe it was him. Maybe he was the problem. He was in a relationship with all of these boys and maybe that was pushing them away.

He was a lot to handle, he knew that. He needed twelve boyfriends to cater to his needs, to put up with his incessant clinginess.

To make him feel loved.

But what if they didn't feel loved in return? What if he was stretching his time too thin across the twelve of them and he was neglecting some of his boyfriends? Sure, they all had other members they went to for affection, other members they themselves were dating, but Jiho wanted to be there for all of them.

He remembered that last day the twelve of them were together, just before Dongsung left for the army. He had tried to plaster on a smile, for all of them. He didn't want to be the first one to break down and make everything about him when it was supposed to be about Dongsung, but they all knew him well enough that they could see straight through it.

He remembered at the very end of the party when Dongsung had found him on the roof. He had escaped for some fresh air, beginning to feel claustrophobic in their tiny apartment, despite the fact his family was slowly getting smaller.

"Hey, chicken." Dongsung settled down behind him, legs stretching out so the younger was in between them. Jiho sighed at the pet name. He had objected to Dongsung calling him that for years, but finally caved after he realised a) it was the best he was going to get, b) he actually thought it was kind of cute and c) it was true, he was a chicken when it came to the horror movies the elder would always rope him into watching. "You okay?"

Jiho nodded, automatically leaning back into Dongsung's arms even though he had been trying his hardest to let go all night. Dongsung joining the army wouldn't be the same as Hyosang going to perform with his friends. He could still see Hyosang all of the time, they could still do things together; text, talk, kiss. But he wouldn't have that with Dongsung. He wouldn't even be able to send the elder letters without someone finding it suspicious. The Korean military wasn't exactly known for being progressive.

"I'm sorry I have to do this." Dongsung meant that, he really did. He hadn't exactly expected to be enlisting at the tender age of twenty-three, but he wanted to get it over and done with. He needed something different, and this was the furthest thing from idol life he could think of.

"It's okay, I get it." Jiho couldn't be angry with Dongsung. He understood why the elder had to leave. They had only been a group for two years and they had already been through so much. It was a miracle the ten of them still had the strength to carry on. "Just promise me we'll still see each other, like, when you have holidays and stuff."

Dongsung's lips quirked up, pressing them to Jiho's temple. "Of course we will, do you seriously think I could keep away from you guys?"

"We wouldn't let you. And if you try I'll put Hansol on the case. He'll track you down and kick your ass."

Dongsung laughed softly to himself as he remembered the last time Hyunho had agreed to meet them then never showed. Jiho and some of the others took it so hard that Hansol - their smallest and (despite his protests against the word) most feminine boyfriend - took it upon himself to personally find Hyunho and give him a piece of his mind. The dark-haired boy was gone only a matter of hours before he came back, dragging a very sheepish looking Hyunho behind him.

"That's a threat I actually take very seriously. Honestly, out of all of you I think Hansol is the one I'm most scared of."

This time it was Jiho's turn to laugh at the thought of his tiny boyfriend squaring up to his significantly bigger boyfriend.

"You probably weigh twice what he does."

"Are you implying he's fat?"

The two of them turned at the sound of a smirk-laced voice. Hyosang. Of course it was. Who else would have that kind of comedic timing?

"Shut up, you know what I meant." Jiho huffed, snuggling back further into Dongsung's hold as Hyosang sat cross-legged beside them, eyes scanning across the well-lit horizon.

"I'm actually going to miss this place." He sighed. This had been his home for well over two years. This was where his family lived. Where he fell in love. And now he had to leave them all behind.

"Me too." Dongsung wrapped an arm around Hyosang's waist, pulling the younger in closer to him and Jiho. He didn't really want to let go. When he had decided to leave he hadn't expected Hyosang to want to go too. He thought Taeyang had managed to talk him out of going again. But not this time. His mind was made up.

"But not as much as I'm going to miss you." Hyosang leaned into Jiho, making the younger giggle as he rubbed their noses together, ignoring how cold Jiho's was compared to his own as he went in for a kiss. He knew this wasn't the end of them, he could never let go of Jiho that easily, but he just couldn't do this anymore.

He pulled away as he heard Dongsung scoff from behind Jiho.

"Fucking sap."

Hyosang raised his eyebrows, arms folding across his chest in mock hurt. "You; I won't miss so much."

Dongsung repeated his words in a high-pitched mocking tone, pulling Hyosang into a kiss before the younger could even gasp in annoyance. Jiho smiled to himself as he watched the two of them, still laid back against Dongsung's chest.

God, he was going to miss this.

And he did. More than anything. The roof didn't seem the same any more. That was like their place.

"Hey, Jii!"

"Jesus, Sangwon." Jiho flinched at the sound of his name. He hadn't even heard the door open. "I thought you were staying over at your parents tonight."

"I was gonna but...I didn't want you to be alone."

Jiho rolled his eyes as Sangwon as the younger laced their fingers together, pulling Jiho into a fleeting kiss.

"Come on, I need a cigarette."

Jiho stifled a groan as Sangwon dragged him up the stairs to the roof of their building. He still hated going up there, but he knew Sangwon found being so high up kind of calming.

He took a deep breath, smoke filling his lungs as the two of them watched the hustle and bustle of city stories below them.

"Hyosang just woke up."

Jiho looked across at Sangwon, his smile illuminated by the screen of his phone. He had left his back in their apartment, but he knew fine well Hyosang would have messaged him too. It was weird that now the elder lived on the other side of the world they seemed to stay in contact more than when he lived in Seoul.

"It's weird that his Friday is just starting when ours is finishing."

"Yeah." Jiho cast his eyes back down to the people below them. He hated thinking about how far away Hyosang was. It was different to when any of them were in the military, at least they were within the same borders then, not on a completely different continent.

"I miss him too, Jii."

Jiho smiled sadly as Sangwon lit up another cigarette. Sometimes he forgot how hard the rest of them took past members leaving.

"He'll be back soon." Jiho shuffled a little closer to Sangwon, taking a cigarette of his own as the younger offered him one. He didn't even smoke anymore, not really, but he'd let himself have one just for tonight.

Sangwon smiled under his breath, leaning into Jiho's side. "I'm gonna ask him to teach me a whole load of new English phrases and you'll never know if they're declarations of love or insults because your English is so shitty."

Jiho pouted melodramatically, wrapping his arms around Sangwon's shoulders as the younger giggled. "I'll know fine well they'll be declarations of love because you have nothing to insult me about. Right?"

Sangwon giggled again, trying to squirm out of his boyfriends hold as Jiho nuzzled his cold nose into his neck. He was about to bite back with a snide comment as he turned but Jiho's lips managed to catch his own, silencing him, any wit dissipating as his mind clouded over. Jiho tended to have that effect on him.

"I guess not." Sangwon rolled his eyes as they pulled apart, arms loosely snaking around Jiho's waist. _"I love you."_

Jiho's lips quirked up. He loved hearing Sangwon speak English, even if he didn't have a clue what the younger was saying most of the time. Those three words he understood perfectly well, however. He could even say them back.

_"I love you too."_

 

\--

 

"Mmmh, Jiho!"

Jiho moaned lowly against plush lips as Hojoon arched underneath him, desperate for more friction. This was always Hojoon's way of taking his mind off of things, and he wasn't exactly complaining. His more than willing boyfriend mewling his name was exactly what he needed right now.

"Fuck, just put your dick in me already."

Hojoon's eyebrows furrowed as Jiho laughed - no, giggled, face burying in his shoulder.

"Way to ruin the mood, asshole." Hojoon slapped his boyfriends shoulder, urging the younger to roll onto his back.

"I'm sorry!" Jiho whined, snuggling into Hojoon's side as the elder huffed. "You're just so cute. I was thinking about how you're the oldest now and act like a bad bitch but you're so fucking submissive, I'm sorry."

"I was going more for devastatingly sexy than cute." Hojoon craned his neck as Jiho tried to kiss his cheeks, squirming away from his boyfriend. "And anyway, why would that make you laugh? This isn't anything new to you. Have you met Kim Taeyang? I don't think I've ever seen anyone take that many dicks before."

Jiho smiled to himself, finally managing to steal as kiss from Hojoon as the elder ranted.

"That's why it made me laugh. How come my oldest boyfriends, the ones that come off as so independent and snarky will literally melt at the sheer mention of cock."

Hojoon quirked an eyebrow, clearly not impressed. "Are you seriously comparing me to him?"

Jiho rolled his eyes. Hojoon and Taeyang had an... interesting relationship. They loved each other, they really did, but liked to pretend they hated one another. He didn't really get it himself, but he found it kind of endearing; the way they would glare at one another across the table, the snide comments and sassy comebacks, but he would always end up finding them locked in an embrace somewhere, somewhere they thought no one could see as their lips found one another. It was cute. Weird, but cute.

This felt a little like déjà vu, actually. He had been in this exact same scenario with Taeyang.

Having twelve boyfriends could be hard sometimes, believe it or not. Keeping up with the likes and dislikes of that many people. Trying to remember what their favourite flower was, how they liked their coffee, and even how they liked it in bed. It was a difficult life, truly.

But with Taeyang it was easy. He didn't like flowers and would much rather have something small that he could treasure and keep forever, he only drank his coffee black, with no sugar and preferably with ice – regardless of season – and he liked being fucked. Hard.

He vividly remembered the first time he and Taeyang slept together, mainly due to the fact that at one point he half expected Taeyang to knee him in the stomach and leave him with blue balls.

Taeyang was one of the first members he had fallen for; it was difficult not to, really. They had spent so much time together pre-debut, and the elder was always so kind to him it didn't take long until Jiho was head over heels in love.

And after Jiho admitted his feelings, it didn't take long for them to end up in bed together.

It had actually blindsided Jiho a little. The only member he had confessed to so far was Hansol, and the other dancer had made it clear to him that he was asexual. The two of them still had a romantic relationship, but it never went further than making out, and Jiho respected that. But, Taeyang didn't exactly come off as the type of person that would be grinding into someone's lap after no more than an exchange of  _'I like you's'_  and a couple of kisses.

Yet, here he was, on Jiho's bed, the younger trapped underneath him as he straddled his hips, moaning into the dancer's mouth as he moved on top of him.

Jiho's head was spinning. Taeyang's kisses were so rough, so dominating, so feverish, as if he had been waiting for this moment forever. He barely had room to breathe as the elder's tongue delved into his mouth, exploring every inch, making up for lost time.

"Tae…" Jiho gasped out the brunette's name as he was pushed back against his bed, back coming into contact with the mattress with a soft thud. He raised his hips up in anticipation, shivers running down his spine cause by how intensely Taeyang was staring at him. This was actually happening. He was finally going to feel Taeyang inside of him after dreaming about it for so long. He was going to moan  _'Taeyang'_  over and over, bordering on a scream as he spurred on by encouraging chants of his own name from the elder. Holy fuck this was really happening.

"Oh my god, Jiho, fuck me." Taeyang practically whined as he rutted down against the blonde's hips.

Wait- What?

Jiho hesitated for a second. Did Taeyang want-? But…

The elder was so self-assured, almost arrogant at times. Jiho had just assumed Taeyang would be more dominant in bed, but-

"Come on, Jiho!" Taeyang whined again, this time the desperation in his voice was unmistakable. He thought Jiho had wanted this too but the younger had seemed to freeze underneath him. He rutted his hips down again, a smirk gracing his lips as he elicited a moan from the blonde. That was more like it. "Jii, I'll let you do anything you want, just put your dick in me, already."

The reaction Taeyang got next out of Jiho was not the one he had been expecting. He expected Jiho to take control, to flip him over onto the mattress, pinning him down with an almost animalistic look in his eyes as he tore the elders clothes off and fucked him into next week.

He definitely didn't expect Jiho to laugh.

Taeyang sat back on his heels, eyebrows furrowed as Jiho tried to stifle his giggles, hand over his mouth as he looked up at the brunette.

"What's so fucking funny?"

"No- Nothing!" Jiho's eyes widened as he held his hands up defensively. Fuck. He hadn't actually meant to laugh out loud, what came out of Taeyang's mouth was just so…unexpected. It had thrown him off his game. "I just- I never expected you to be so…submissive."

"And how is that funny?" Taeyang's voice was monotone, expression unchanging.

"It- It's not, it's just a shock, I-" Jiho shifted underneath Taeyang. Jesus Christ, how was he going to rectify this? He had waited so long for this moment and how he had ruined it – Taeyang wasn't exactly the most forgiving of people. "I actually think it's pretty cute."

"Cute?" Taeyang deadpanned, repeating the word again. "I wasn't exactly going for cute."

Jiho inwardly groaned, this was going terribly. If he had have just kept his big mouth shut and he could have been balls deep in Taeyang by now.

"But, I'll take it."

Jiho let out a muffled yelp as Taeyang's lips reattached themselves to his, eyes fluttering shut at the sensation. Was this actually happening? That was the very point he had expected Taeyang to slap him and leave or something, but instead the elder was moaning into his mouth again like nothing had happened.

He pulled Taeyang closer, fingers gripping onto the brunette's waist, their bodies flush against one another as Taeyang moved on top of him. Jiho completely lost himself in Taeyang; in the way tasted, the way he sounded, how soft his skin was. This was everything he had wanted for so long.

This time Taeyang got exactly what he wanted as Jiho took control, flipping him over onto his back with enough force to cause a barely audible squeak to leave his lips. He moaned as Jiho latched onto his neck, hands dipping under his shirt as he arched into the touch.

He had wanted this for so long too, and he wasn't willing to wait any longer. As nice as the open-mouthed kisses trailing down to his collarbones, and the fingernails ever so lightly scraping against his skin were, he needed more. He needed Jiho.

"Jiho, I'm serious, can you- Just fuck me. Please?"

Jiho's cock twitched, Taeyang sounded even more desperate than the last time he had asked. Jiho considered himself a switch, he was more than happy to go along with whatever his partner was into, but the way Taeyang was practically begging for his dick made something inside him stir, like a fire had been lit in his stomach.

"You're really that desperate, huh?" Taeyang's stomach flipped at Jiho's sudden change in demeanour, in the way his voice dropped an octave, so low it was almost a growl. Fuck.

He nodded, eyes locked on Jiho's. He really was, and he had waited long enough already, he wasn't afraid to let Jiho know just how much he wanted him.

"Tell me again."

Taeyang moaned lowly as Jiho's teeth sunk into his neck, hips grinding down simultaneously. If Jiho wanted to hear him beg, then he was more than happy to oblige.

"Please, Jiho. I want you so bad, I-I've been thinking about this for so long, please. Just fuck me. I want to feel you inside me, I want your dick so fucking bad." He just about managed to gasp out as Jiho moved against him. He knew how pathetic and needy he probably sounded, but he honestly didn't care. If Jiho's dick wasn't in him in the next 30 seconds, there was going to be hell to pay. "I'll be so good for you, I promise. Please."

Jiho bit down on his bottom lip, pupils dilating at what a mess Taeyang was underneath him. Hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, lips parted as he tried to catch his breath, cheeks flushed, completely willing.

This was going to be the start of something beautiful.

And it was.

If it wasn't for Taeyang, Jiho wasn't sure he would have had the courage to confess to the rest of them, wasn't sure he would have been good enough in bed for them. Before Taeyang he had never been in an exclusively Dom/sub relationship, but the elder brought that side out of him and honestly, Jiho thrived as a dominant. Taeyang had introduced him to things he had never even imagined he would be interested in, but having his hands wrapped around the brunette's neck soon turned into one of his favourite past times.

That wasn't to say their relationship was purely sexual, in fact, it was anything but. There was nothing he loved more than Taeyang curling up in his arms and falling asleep within ten minutes of the movie they had just argued over for half an hour starting. He loved the way the elder would hang off him when they walked, fingers intertwined, head rested on his shoulder as Taeyang whined in his ear to be carried the rest of the way home.

The hyung he once saw as fiercely independent, and if not a little moody, turned out to be the fluffiest, clingiest boyfriend he could imagine. He couldn't help but smile at the pout on Taeyang's lips whenever Jiho would break the news that he was sleeping in someone else's bed that night, until he found a substitute for Taeyang to cuddle with. His heart still broke when he recalled the temper tantrum and tears when their company had booked the Wizard Line's Australian showcase at the same time as Taeyang's first solo concert and 25th birthday.

"I can't do this anymore."

"Tae, don't-"

"I'm serious, Jiho. They hate what we have and they're trying to tear us apart. I know they are." Taeyang had always been suspicious of their company, despite being the one to convince Dongsung, Hyosang and Yoonchul to stay just a little longer. He couldn't do it himself anymore.

"Isn't you leaving letting them win, though?"

"I dunno," Taeyang sighed, crawling into his rightful place in Jiho's lap, "but at least they can't control me that way."

Jiho cast his eyes down as Taeyang intertwined their fingers. He wasn't sure he could go through this a fourth time.

"Tae- I- You-" He couldn't quite get his words out, out of fear of bursting out in tears. He knew exactly what he wanted to say. He wanted to convince Taeyang to stay. To say here, where he belonged. With them. With him.

"Jiho, honey," Taeyang nudged his nose against the younger's, urging Jiho to look up at him, "I'll always love you. You know that, right?"

Jiho nodded, eyes barely meeting Taeyang's.

"I just can't do this anymore. The only thing I even like about this idol shit anymore is the fact I live with you guys and- As much as I hate the idea of leaving you all I just- I can't do it anymore, Jii."

Jiho's arms tightened around Taeyang's waist, pulling him in closer, afraid to let go.

He got it, he really did. He knew how hard it was for Taeyang to leave this life behind, it was something he had fought for for years, he'd tried everything to keep the thirteen of them together, then the twelve of them and now… It was all just too much. Now it was his turn to move on.

"It's okay." Jiho's voice was barely above a whisper. This wasn't exactly what he wanted, but he couldn't be selfish. He couldn't make Taeyang stay if he wasn't happy. That just wasn't fair. You didn’t do that to someone you love. "Just- Just promise you won't leave me, yeah? Not properly, anyway."

"Of course I won't." Taeyang giggled softly, arms looping around the back of Jiho's neck, leaning in for a kiss, humming softly as Jiho melted into it. "There's no way you're getting rid of me that easily."

Jiho smirked as Taeyang spoke against his lips, stealing a few more pecks. He felt like he needed to stock up, worried he wouldn't be able to see Taeyang as often.

He let himself fall back against his mattress, pulling the elder down with him. Taeyang's fingers found their way to his hair, deepening the kiss. It didn't take him long to get completely lost in Taeyang, for all of his troubles to slip away as the elder's lips moved against his own, as their tongues glided over one another.

"You're gonna come back here all the time, right?" Jiho asked as they parted, almost scared of the answer. What if it was too painful for him? What if the company made it even harder for them to see each other.

"I'm never gonna be away with from this place." Taeyang beamed, fingers carding through Jiho's hair. He had always loved it dark. "And if they try to stop me, then they can go fuck themselves."

Jiho mirrored Taeyang's grin. His boyfriend may be incessantly clingy and whine like a toddler, but he was feisty, and generally didn't care what anyone else thought of him.

"Now," Taeyang rolled his hips, catching Jiho's attention, "are you going to give me something to remember you by, or what?"

Taeyang did keep his promise. He was never away from their apartment. They'd come home from a rigorous day of practice to a tiny blonde ready to supply hugs and witty remarks. It kept them all going. Until he really had to leave. Until he had to enlist.

"Have you heard from him recently?" Hojoon snuggled into Jiho's side, sweat drying in the small of his back as he came down from his orgasm. He never could say no to Jiho. Never really wanted to.

"Who? Tae?" Jiho sighed as Hojoon nodded. "Yeah, he fucking hates it."

Hojoon laughed softly, he hadn't expected anything less. If there was one of their members he could never imagine in the army, it was Taeyang.

"Why? Not enough time to complete his three-hour long skin care routine?"

Jiho nudged his boyfriend. As if Hojoon had room to talk. He had more products than the remaining five of them combined.

"Just…everything, I think. You know what a princess he is."

Hojoon scoffed. Of course he knew, he had to share a room with the princess himself.

"Don't tell him but…I actually kinda miss him."

Jiho let his eyes flutter shut, arms wrapping around Hojoon to pull him in even closer. Of course he knew that, the two of them were close. Really close. Not in the way that people would pick up on – they weren’t especially touchy-feely with one another in public, but they were in love, Jiho knew that.

"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

 

\--

 

2017 had been an especially tough year for Jiho. You'd think he would be used to people leaving him by now, to their apartment getting bigger as it's population got smaller. But he wasn't

And he definitely wasn't ready to lose four people in the space of a couple of months.

He had barely even come to terms with the fact Taeyang was gone, and now Hansol was leaving. And Yoonchul. And Sehyuk. And Sanggyun.

This was all too much.

"Jiho?"

He forced his eyes open at the sound of his name, followed by the door creaking open. He had barely left his room in days. He couldn't face going out there, seeing how empty the place was. It made him feel sick.

"Babe, come on, you have to eat." Sangdo sat down on the edge of his bed, fingers caring through Jiho's overgrown hair to try and gain his full attention. It had been a few months since Hansol left for China, since Sanggyun had moved out for Produce 101 and since Sehyuk and Yoonchul had decided they wanted different things in life.

And he was beginning to worry about Jiho. He knew how sensitive the younger was, how big his heart was and how much this was affecting him. He absolutely hated seeing him like this, a shell of his former self. Pale skin, unkempt hair, dark bags under his eyes, the weight was dropping off of him. He just wanted his happy, bubbly baby boy back.

"We got Chinese takeout."

Jiho groaned at the thought.

He hated Chinese food. Always had, always would.

But, it was something that all of his boyfriends loved. So, he put up with it. He would whine and complain, but ultimately he was happy to sacrifice his own tastes for the rest of them just for a couple of nights a month.

But when Hansol left for China, he found himself craving it. He would ignore the confused looks on the rest of the members faces when he'd order Szechuan king prawns. He would try keep his face straight as he ate it, despite wanting to grimace and throw the rest of it away. He just needed it. He needed something to make him feel close to Hansol. To all of them.

He would scrunch his nose up whenever Hansol would call him and regale him with tales of all their weird and wonderful food he had tried across the border. Some of the things honestly made him retch, and no matter how much he tried to suppress it, Hansol would always notice, earning him a giggling fit from the elder.

"Just try it."

Hansol had always been weird with food. He has absolutely no problem putting gross, slimy-looking sea creatures and organs that should have just been discarded in his mouth. He was more than happy to try any type of cuisine, no matter how foreign or obscure.

"No chance."

Hansol rolled his eyes. What was the point in coming all the way to Paris if Jiho was just going to eat burgers?

"They're nice."

"They're  _snails_."

Jiho gagged as Hansol popped one of them in his mouth. There was no way his boyfriend was even getting a kiss tonight.

"I always thought you were more adventurous than this, Shin Jiho." Hansol quipped, waving around another snail in front of Jiho's face, smirking at the way the younger flinched. He was cute, really.

"I am!" Jiho huffed. Just because he doesn't like disgusting food, didn't mean he wasn't adventurous. He was very adventurous, just in ways Hansol would never know since the two of them didn't sleep together.

"Baby, you're in Paris, eating fries."

" _French_  fries." Jiho protested causing Hansol to roll his eyes again. Sometimes we wondered where he got Jiho from. He loved trying to get Jiho to try new things, the younger had never even tried prawns before he met Hansol, and it turned out he loved them. How did he know if he wouldn't like snails unless he tried them?

That night Hansol hadn't convinced Jiho to eat anything out of the ordinary. In fact, he hadn't managed to get him to eat anything cultural or different during their entire time in Europe, and they would be heading home tomorrow.

He sighed to himself as they walked back to their hotel, hand in hand. It was nice that they were almost anonymous here. There was a very tiny percentage of the population that would have any idea who they were, never mind recognise them. Plus, they had the privilege of being in a more open minded country, they could hold hands without anyone at all staring or whispering. He almost wished they didn't have to leave.

"Can we slow down? I don't really want to go back yet." Hansol came to a stop, sighing blissfully as Jiho's arms wrapped around him. This was perfect. Everything was perfect. Sure, they had lost Hyunho, but here he was on the other side of the world with his band, his best friends, some were even more than that. They were going to be releasing a new album soon and he couldn't wait.

"I wish we could travel more." Hansol absolutely adored travelling. He loved going to new places and immersing himself in new cultures, learning new languages.

"Maybe we can in the future." Jiho smiled into Hansol's hair, rocking the elder back and forth lightly. He loved travelling too, he loved meeting their fans from across the world and experiencing new places with the people he loved most.

"I hope so."

But it didn't really work out that way.

They had gone to Tokyo for a couple of days a few months later, but that was about it. Everything seemed to come to a standstill.

And so did Hansol and Jiho's relationship.

The two of them began to find everything difficult. They had nothing to talk about, because they did absolutely everything together. Which, honestly, wasn't that much. They'd practice songs they knew they'd never get to release or perform, they'd go out for coffee day in, day out just to escape their apartment. Nothing was exciting between them anymore.

That’s why Jiho wasn't at all surprised when Hansol decided to go to China.

"I need to find myself again, Jiho."

"You'll be back though, right?"

"Of course." Hansol had beamed back, pressing a kiss to the youngers cheek as he went back to packing.

Jiho had to let him do this, it would be unfair not to. Plus, he was worried it would completely break them if he objected. Anyway, it wasn't forever, right? Hansol would be back and everything would go back to normal.

But it didn't. Everything was far from normal.

Hansol wasn't coming back. He was back in Korea, sure, but he wasn't coming back here. To their home. To them.

In the months that Hansol was away everything had completely fallen apart.

Yoonchul had decided to move out. Jiho had seen it coming a mile off, it was a miracle the elder didn't leave sooner, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. Every single one of them leaving had been like a stab wound to Jiho's chest. Right to his heart, or something just as cliché.

He often found himself sitting in Yoonchul's studio, alone. He didn't really understand any of the equipment in there, but he knew the elder's password and would wake up at some ungodly hour of the morning, spine aching from sleeping in that tiny computer chair with unfinished beats playing in the background.

And he would start crying all over again.

That was two less people for him to be intimate with, to share his deepest insecurities with. Two less beds to crawl into when he most needed them.

Then Sanggyun left too. That one…that was different. Jiho couldn't be prouder of his boyfriend. His heart would leap every time he saw the younger on TV, giving it his all for the rest of them. Sanggyun had sacrificed himself for the good of his group and Jiho had never loved him more for it. He hated the idea of Sanggyun being alone on that show, not having his family there to support him, but he knew he'd make new friends. That was one thing Sanggyun was good at.

He'd go out, gain a new fan base, meet new people and thrive. He'd bring his new-found popularity back home and they'd finally be able to make it. Maybe some of the others would come back. Jiho knew that was a longshot, but…maybe. He was an optimist and he didn't see the harm in dreaming.

But their company had other ideas. Sanggyun was profitable to them now and they wouldn't let him come back. They took Sanggyun away from him and all Jiho could do was watch from afar.

His pride never dimmed, of course it didn't, he would always love and support Sanggyun no matter what, he just hated that they had to sneak around even more now. They couldn't spend nights playing video games and eating pizza before inevitably falling into bed together. They couldn't go shopping, or Jiho couldn't drag Sanggyun round as he tried on outfit after outfit as it would usually go, anymore. Not without someone recognising the younger, anyway.

It just wasn't the same. And Jiho missed him.

That’s when he would find himself curled up in Sehyuk's arms. He had always found solace in their leader. He looked after him, looked after them all. Sometimes he felt like the worlds shittiest boyfriend, like he put way too much on Sehyuk's shoulders, but he couldn't help it. Waking up buried in the elder's chest, a strong arm around his shoulders keeping him close made him feel like maybe everything would be okay after all. Made him feel grounded.

But then Sehyuk left too.

That one really hit him hard.

Sehyuk had been there for him through everything. He was Jiho's main support system and when he left he honestly wasn't sure how he could carry on. Sure. He had the rest of his boyfriends, and they went out of their way to make him feel loved and wanted, to reassure him, but…

They weren't Sehyuk. They didn't quite know the right thing to say to pull him back from the brink of a complete breakdown.

The worst part about all of this was he couldn't even be angry at any of them. He couldn't channel all of his emotions into shouting or screaming or throwing things, because he didn't blame them. At all.

They had had a really shitty time. The entire four years of their career had been for nothing. Just one disaster after another. They had been treated like shit for years and it was no surprise that so many of them had reached the end of their tether.

Part of him wished that he himself had just walked away, a long time ago, but he couldn't. He was too attached; to his boyfriends, to the band, to his dream. He had worked so hard for so long and he couldn't let all of that go to waste. Not until he knew for sure it was well and truly over. Maybe then he could go live a normal life or something.

But not yet, he just couldn't.

So, for now he was just stuck here, in what felt like purgatory. Just…doing nothing. Wallowing in his own self-pity. In memories that were too painful to look back on, but at the same time were the only things that kept him going.

He just didn't know what to do anymore. Didn't really want to do anything.

"Jiho, you have to eat something." Sangdo repeated. If Jiho didn't eat soon he was going to have to be harsher with his boyfriend, and that was the last thing he wanted. But, he couldn't just sit back and watch Jiho waste away.

"I'm not hungry."

"Then, at least come out and sit with us. Byungjoo and Sangwon miss you. Hojoon does too, not that he would ever admit it." Sangdo joked, trying to lighten the mood a little.

His heart fluttered as a subtle smile creeped onto Jiho's lips. That was more like it.

"Come on, Jii, we all miss spending time together. Don't you want to come cuddle with us?"

Jiho hummed. That did sound nice. Really nice. He felt awful for neglecting his boyfriends, after everything they had done for him. Plus, they were hurting too, it wasn't easy for any of them to see any of the other members leave, regardless of whether they were dating or not.

"Can we go in the snuggle room?"

Sangdo chuckled to himself at Jiho's childish nickname for what used to be Sehyuk and Sanggyun's room, the very one Byungjoo had converted into a mountain of blankets for optimum cuddling.

"Sure, we'll even let you pick the movie, despite the fact you have awful taste."

Jiho mock pouted as he sat up, head spinning a little due to the fact he hadn't moved in so long. God, he was pathetic. Sangdo was right, he had to go spend some time wither the others. Not only would they make him feel better, but he felt awful for abandoning him to cry over those who had left. They were still here and they still loved him. he couldn't take that for granted.

He settled down in the aptly named snuggle room, fluffing up a pillow to lean against as he wrapped himself in his favourite blanket – the one Hansol had left him before going to China.

He smiled to himself as the rest of the boys began to file in, plates of food in their hands and wide grins on their faces. They really had missed him, even though he was in the same apartment as them, they missed spending time with their cuddly, soppy boyfriend.

"Hi, baby!" Hojoon nudged Byungjoo out of the way so he could claim the spot on Jiho's left, almost dropping the roast duck he had insisted on getting despite it being more expensive than everyone else's food combined. "Spring roll?"

Jiho rolled his eyes as Hojoon held the food up to his face, taking a bite because, actually, now he had smelled it he was kind of hungry, and he couldn't deal with a pouting Hojoon. The elder could be pretry maternal when he wanted to be.

He giggled softly as Sangwon snuggled into his other side, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek before digging into his food. As much as he loved Jiho and was happy to see him, no one was coming between him and his Char Siu Chow Mein.

Jiho let himself get wrapped up in the warmth of his boyfriends as Sangdo and Byungjoo settled down on each side of Hojoon and Sangwon, after handing Jiho a plate of food of his own and dimming the lights respectively.

So, this wasn't perfect. Perfect would be all thirteen of them in this exact situation. Legs intertwined, arguments over what they were going to watch, noise, food being stolen off of plates, kisses and cuddles and the type of love that could only be felt between that many people.

But this was pretty damn close. He still had all of that, just on a smaller scale. He had Byungjoo's raucous laughter, even though the movie wasn't all that funny, he had the soft hums of pleasure as Hojoon and Sangdo kissed beside him, and he had Sangwon wrapped around him, half asleep on his chest as his fingers absentmindedly played with the hem of his shirt.

He may not have all twelve of them here with him anymore, but that didn't mean they didn't all still love him. They did. They made that clear. Whether it was Dongsung facetiming him at some ridiculous time in the morning from whatever eastern European country he was visiting this time, Yoonchul sneaking him backstage at his gigs for a risky make out session or Hyunho turning up with a hot chocolate in one hand and his dogs leash in the other ready to drag him out for a walk around the park. Jiho knew he was loved.

And he knew that would never change.

 


End file.
